When I was 27, I spent a week in Bell Gardens, a gritty part of Los Angeles with bad smog, a poker club where I got clobbered, and a KFC that gave me food poisoning.
I called up a local friend I met on Capitol Hill, who I didn’t know lived in Beverly Hills, and told him I thought L.A. was a dump. He said, “You know not all of Los Angeles is like Bell Gardens.”
My point is many men trash online dating because they’re basically broke in Bell Gardens with food poisoning like I was. All they see is rejection and disappointment, so they conclude online dating doesn’t work.
But their real problem is they live in the wrong neighborhood. If they moved to the Malibu or Santa Monica section of dating apps, they’d have a different view.
How bad is it for men in the poor part of town?
A Hinge study shows that the bottom half of men get a measly 4.3% of the likes
Hinge Dating App Study Reveals Stark Divide
Hinge analyzed the number of “likes” that went to the most-liked people each gender. It found that “dating apps are tough on the middle-of-the-road guy,” and miserable for those in the bottom half.
“Likes” Men Received on Hinge by Percentile Rank
Percentile Men Women
Top 1% 16.4% 11.2%
Top 5% 41.1% 30.6%
Top 10% 58.0% 45.7%
Bottom 50% 4.3% 7.9%
As you can see from this chart, dating inequality is a problem on par with income or wealth inequality.
Young men without college degrees — or the skills, talent or drive to get out of their mom’s basement — are especially at a disadvantage. With lower potential as providers, they may only be seen as suitable for hookups, and then only if these men are charismatic or handsome.
Here’s how a former Ok Cupid moderator, Ingrid Halvorsen, described online dating, especially for young men.
…Men hugely outnumber females in the 18-30 range…
Although the hot young women will find their in-boxes deluged with messages, most of the messages will be lame, and the senders unappealing. They will ignore most of the initial messages…
Most users fail to recognize that their dating profile is an advertisement and should display their best and most attractive photos and a description that is interesting, intriguing, and makes the reader want to find out more
Most profiles are too brief, boring, generic, misspelled and grammatically incorrect. Too many of the photos are unattractive selfies or head-shots only. Some smart users learn and improve their profiles and photos. Most never do.
Getting a date online takes creativity, patience, endurance, and a very thick skin. It takes experience to learn that nothing is real until you meet face to face.
The male/female odds improve the older one gets, but it’s still hard work to get dates…My preferences are realistic and modest, more about personality and intellect than about appearance or status. I have deal- breakers, but I don’t dwell on them..
There’s some truth to her analysis, but most men put forth so little effort — and are misguided as to what women are seeking — that it’s easy to stand out among such mediocrity
Although you should do your best to get in the Top 10%, such a high ranking can be a mixed blessing because you’ll still face rejection as you pursue women younger, prettier, cultured, or more desirable in some other way.
Plus, you’ll encounter an overabundance of choices that leads to poor decision-making, says Rolf Dobelli, author of The Art of Thinking Clearly:
In the past, a young man from a village of average size could choose among maybe twenty girls of similar age with whom he went to school. He knew their families and vice versa, leading to a decision based on several well-known attributes.
Perhaps the biggest advantage of a strong profile is that you can sit back and let the women come to you if you like. Here’s Dating Coach Corey Wayne’s explanation of why it’s better for women to come to you:
Saving you time is the obvious answer. However, the more power answer Is this: if you wait for the women who like you to contact you first, it puts
you in the position of being pursued. This starts them out chasing you Besides, women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear anyways. Give them what they want. Let them be curious like a cat so they have to work to get you
Plus, it’s a nice confidence boost when women reach out first. But because you can’t assume your dream girl will reach out, you’ll need to search through profiles too. No matter where you’re positioned on app, you’ll have to overcome these obstacles: there are fewer women on most apps, women are pickier, and women have greater expectations and security concerns
Because of the nature of dating apps, it’s easy to become so jaded that negativity seeps into your profile
That’s the trap this bond trader fell into:
Profile Rewrite Lesson – Stay Positive and be Polite
Bond trader by day, yogi by night, writer by passion and fashion whore always! Someone had to do it so I took the job! Very athletic, love to travel and love the arts. Plastic body parts not encouraged! Looking for intelligence, fun, travel, play and then with the right person to the next level. Recent pix from me and hopefully you! Don’t need to see what you looked like 10 years ago. Please don’t contact unless you plan to communicate. Such a waste of time.
Here’s how I’d rewrite his profile with a smile and without sarcasm:
Bond trader by day, yogi by night, writer by passion and stylish always! Athletic, love travel and the arts. Looking for natural, healthy woman who is intelligent, fun and likes to travel…with the goal of ultimately taking it to the next level. I’ve included pix of me from this year…please include some recent photos too. Would love to hear from you if you think we’re a match. Thanks for reading and best wishes to you in your search!
Tip 1: Keep a Positive, Optimistic Attitude
One of Ronald Reagan’s favorite stories was about twins with opposite temperaments. The pessimist was given toys to cheer him up, but he didn’t play with them out of a fear of breaking them
The optimist was put in a room stacked to the ceiling with horse manure to reduce his enthusiasm. But he was delighted: “There must be a pony in there.”
Tip 2: Put the Welcome Mat Out
I attended a training session where we were all given a small mirror to use when we talked to clients. The purpose was to make sure we were smiling and not frowning in our conversations. I thought it was silly but it helped.
Are you happy and smiling as you write your profile and sending messages? Or is the bitterness about your last dating experience seeping into your profile? Rather than having the equivalent of a “No Trespassing” sign on your profile, put out the “Welcome Mat” showing you have a sunny disposition.
Tip 3: Word Choice Matters
The “plastic body parts comment” in the bond trader’s profile is one of several rude comments. Never put the words like “whore” in your profile even in the context of fashion. I chose “stylish” for my rewrite but “fashion hound” could work too. Be careful about using negative words like “don’t” and “must” that so often precede hostile comments.
Tip 4: Create Two Lists
While we usually prize variety, too many choices create anxiety, says Barry Schwartz, the author of Paradox of Choice. It’s vital for you to create a list of qualities you’re seeking — as well as deal-breakers — to prevent your selection process from becoming solely or primarily about physical attractiveness.
1. “The statistics show why it’s so hard to be an average man on dating apps.”
Dan Kopf qz.com Aug. 15, 2017.
2. Ingrid Halvorsen, former OkCupid dating moderator, Quora, 2014
3. Coach Corey Wayne, “Attracting Beautiful Women Easily” YouTube video, Jan. 14, 2012
If you’d like to arrange a free 15-minute consultation on how to improve your dating profile, please visit www.datingprofilesecrets.com to book a session, or text me directly at (240) 477-3999
